Weekend Update on a $18 Cup of Coffee - SNL

Weekend Update on a $18 Cup of Coffee – SNL



>> A NEW COFFEE SHOP HAS OPENED
IN BROOKLYN THAT WILL SELL AN $18 CUP OF COFFEE, WHICH ONLY
MAKES SENCE TO ME IF IT SERVED WITH A SIDE OF $15 DAMN DOLLARS.
[ LAUGHTER ] AN AMERICAN WOMAN SET A NEW
RECORD VISITING EVERY COUNTRY IN THE WORLD IN 19 MONTHS.
AFTER ALL THAT TRAVEL SHE FOUND THE ONE THING THAT HAD BEEN
INSIDE HER ALL ALONG. ZIKA.
>> A MASSACHUSETTS COUPLE WHOSE SON WAS BORN DURING THE SUPER
BOWL HAS NAMED HIM BRADY. WHILE AN ATLANTA COUPLE WHOSE
SON WAS BORN DURING THE SUPER BOWL
NAMED HIM, "SON OF A BITCH." [ LAUGHTER ]
>> VALENTINE'S DAY IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
SMOOTH TRANSITION. HERE ARE SOME TIPS ON HOW TO
MAKE IT A SPECIAL NIGHT, A GUY WHO JUST BOUGHT A BOAT.
>> HOW ARE YOU, MAN? >> I'M GREAT.
YOU ARE LOOKING VERY DAPPER, MAN.
TRES DAP. THE DAP KING.
DAP KING COLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M JUST KIDDING, MAN. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
EVERYBODY GETS A LITTLE. SO, V-DAY.
LET'S GET INTO IT. FIRST OFF, YOU GOT TO GET THAT
RES, DOG. >> I'M SORRY, WHAT?
>> SHORT FOR RESERVACHE'. [ LAUGHTER ]
A LOT OF PEEPS ARE GOING TO SAY THAT ON V-DAY YOUR GIRL IS GOING
TO WANT SOME SUSH' IN HER BOOSH' —
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT I BEG TO DIFF' YOU ARE GONNA
WANT TO SPRING FOR A STEAK DIN'. M'KAY, SOMETHING WITH BLOOD.
[ LAUGHTER ] ANYWHERE WITH A FIREPLACE, A
COAT CHECK AND A LATER MAITRE D' WITH ASS FOR DAYS.
I HAVE A SMALL PENIS — [ LAUGHTER ]
UH — ONCE YOU LOCKED DOWN THAT RES,
IT'S ON TODAY DE FLEUR, AKA, THAT'S FRENCH FOR FLOWERS.
I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT LONG STEMMERS, BOYS.
NOTHING DROPS THE SLINGSHOT LIKE A DOZEN REDHEADS.
PRO-TIP SEND A DOZEY' IMPORTS TO HER OFFICE, EACH AND EVERY ONE
OF HER CO-WORKERS IS GOING TO BLOW HER LEVIS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> BLOW THEIR LEVIS?
[ SIGH ] >> JOST McBOOSH —
I CAN TELL YOU HAVE NEVER DONE THE V-D RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ] TIP NUMERO TROIS.
LIGHT A BUNCH OF CANDLES ALL OVER YOUR APT, CHICKS ARE LIKE
MOTHS, GUYS. THEY GO CRAZY FOR FLAMES, MY
JUNK SUCKS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M SORRY, DIDN'T YOU INITIALLY COME ON TO TALK ABOUT
BOATS? >> GETTING THERE, LASSIE!
YOU KNOW COLLIE, COLIN. COLIN JOST, IT'S YOUR NICKNAME,
BRO. [ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS LOVE TRAIN A-SCOOTING.
[ LAUGHTER ] GOT TO TEACH MY PEEPS TO LAND
HO. I WON'T BE LONG, I HAVE TO BE
SOME WHERE LATER, BUT IT IS NOT ON LAND.
>> IS IT A BOAT? >> A LADY NEVER TELLS.
>> LET ME SAY THIS, I'M ABOUT TO GET NAUGHTY, C OOH.
L. COL.
ALL THESE TIPS ARE WASTED UNLESS THAT ARM CANDY IS NICE AND
SWEET. IF YOU ARE GOING TO TIE YOURSELF
DOWN. >> YOU WANT TO —
>> GUY JUST BOUGHT A BOUGHT, EVERYONE.
>>> A CHEETO THAT LOOKED LIKE HARAMBE WAS SOLD.
IT WAS A LITTLE LIKE HARAMBE IS THAT HE ALSO DESERVES TO BE
SHOT. >> OFFICIALS IN ENGLAND SAY OVER
60 MILLION OF COCAINE WASHED UP ON A BEACH.
FOR REFERENCE HERE'S WHAT $60 MILLION OF WASHED UP COCAINE
LOOKS LIKE. >>> THANKS TO THE 50 SHADE OF
GRAY FILMS MANY COUPLES HAVE BEEN EXPERIENCING WITH BONDAGE
AND S & M IN THE BEDROOM. HERE TO SHARE THEIR EXPERTISE, A
COUPLE WHO RECENTLY GAVE IT A SHOT.
GREG AND SHELLY DUNCAN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO, MICHAEL. >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING US.
>> WAS IT HARD TO TAKE THE FIRST STEP INTO S & M?
>> YOU MAY BE SHY. I SUGGEST, A GLASS OF WINE OR
TWO. >> ABSOLUTELY.
>> GOING OFF THE THEME OF PROPER PREPARATION.
IT IS ALSO IMPORTANT TO FIGURE OUT THE EXTENT TO WHICH YOUR
LIMBS CAN BEND BEFORE THEY BREAK.
AND HONEY, THAT GOES FOR YOUR PENIS AS WELL.
>> IN THE 50 SHADE OF GRAY MOVIE THERE IS A LOT OF SPANKING IS
THAT SOMETHING YOU GUYS TRIED? >> OKAY.
I CAN TAKE THAT ONE. YES WE, DID.
JUST A HEAD UP, AS A COUPLE TAKE THE TIME TO DEFINE WHAT A SPANK
IS. IS IT AN OPEN HAND TAP ON THE
REAR END? OR A CLOSED FIST PUNCH TO
EVERYWHERE? >> GREGORY.
>> KEEP SOME THINGS, PRIVATE, BABY.
>> BABY. >> BUT MY HUSBAND MAKES A GOOD
POINT. KNOW WHAT YOUR PARTNER FEELS
COMFORTABLE WITH. LIKE — ARE BLINDFOLD OKAY?
>> UH-HUH. >> IS PICKING YOUR PARTNER UP
OVER YOUR HEAD AND BURNING HIM ON AN OVERHEADLIGHT COOL?
GUILTY. >> ARE HANDCUFFS A FAIR GAME?
IN MY CASE, YES. >> DOES BEING WATER BOARDED WITH
YOUR OWN URINE TURN YOU ON. IN MY CASE, NO.
>> SO THIS JUST SOUND PAINFUL. WHAT DID YOU ENJOY ABOUT IT?
>> WELL WE LOVED GETTING CREATIVE AND PRETENDING TO BE
OTHER PEOPLE. DIDN'T WE, BABY?
>> UH-HUH. I EVEN HAD A LITTLE NAME FOR
HER. I CALLED HER MISTRESS XANDA.
WHAT WAS THE NAME YOU HAD FOR ME?
>> TOILET DOG. >> TOILET DOG.
>> I WOULD SAY FUN LITTLE THINGS, LIKE EAT YOUR FEAR
LITTLE TOILET DOG. GRR.
>> YEAH, WELL — ANY TIPS FOR OUR VIEWERS
WHO STILL MAY BE INTERESTED IN GIVING S & M A SHOT.
>> GO FOR IT. A LITTLE CHANGE COULD MAKE A BIG
DIFFERENCE. >> YEAH, ALSO, KNOW YOUR BLOOD
TYPE. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> GREG AND SHELLY DUNCAN EVERYBODY!
FOR WEEKEND UPDATE, I'M MICHAEL CHE!
>> AND I'M COLIN JOST, GOODNIGHT!
♪♪♪

43 thoughts on “Weekend Update on a $18 Cup of Coffee – SNL

  1. 18 bucks. Imagine to pay that in actual bucks, hunted on Manhattan Island.

    (Or would you carry 18 deers through that goddamn tunnel???)

  2. Omg Leslie! I've never known her this cute and adorable. They should cast her like this more often, it's more fun.

  3. I can’t wait for the new movie Ma to come out. Finally a movie 🍿 I can repeat scenes over and over and it’ll never get old

  4. You will buy a 3 dollar cup of coffee? Dude you can buy a whole fucking can of coffee for 6 bucks. You can buy a 6 pack of 16 cans of natty light for 5.50. 3 bucks a cup of coffee? I don't think so. I can see maybe 50 cents

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