Weekend Update: Jake Rocheck - SNL

Weekend Update: Jake Rocheck – SNL



>> A MAJORITY OF MEN WITH A
CLOSE FEMALE FRIEND SECRETLY HOPE THEIR RELATIONSHIP WILL
TURN SEXUAL. HERE WITH MORE ON THAT SHOCKING
STATISTIC IS JAKE WHO JOINS US LIVE VIA SATELLITE FROM THE
FRIEND ZONE. >> THANKS.
HI, MICHAEL. I'M HERE IN THE FRIEND ZONE
HELPING MY FRIEND SHANNON MOVE INTO HER NEW APARTMENT.
SO I HAVE BEEN DRIVING BOXES ACROSS TOWN ALL DAY AND CARRYING
AWKWARD FURNITURE UPSTAIRS FOR A PRETTY GIRL WHO IS NOT ATTRACTED
TO ME WHATSOEVER. IN FACT, JUST TODAY SHANNON
SAID, I CAN'T EVEN PICTURE YOU HAVING SEX, WHICH I FIND
CONFUSING BECAUSE I CAN PICTURE HER HAVING SEX VERY EASILY.
>> TELL US WHAT'S THE HARDEST PART ABOUT BEING IN THE FRIEND
ZONE. >> UM, ALL OF IT.
NIGHTS ARE DIFFICULT. SHANNON WILL OFTEN HAVE DRAMA
WITH ONE OF THE SELFISH BAD BOYS SHE'S ATTRACTED TO, ASK
ME TO COME OVER AND WE'LL SLEEP IN THE SAME BED SO SHE'S NOT
LONELY. SHE EASILY FALLS ASLEEP WHERE AS
I LAY AWAKE ALL NIGHT ACTIVELY SUPPRESSING AN ERECTION AND
PAINFULLY HOLDING IN GAS. >> OH, MAN.
HOW DOES A GUY LIKE YOU END UP IN THE FRIEND ZONE?
>> IN MY CASE I FOUND MYSELF IN THE FRIEND ZONE WITH SHANNON
BECAUSE WHEN WE MET I WAS NICE AND KIND.
>> OH. >> IT ABSOLUTELY KILLED MY
CHANCE AT A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP.
BUT I ENDED UP WITH A FRIENDSHIP THAT HONESTLY, MICHAEL, I
WOULDN'T TRADE FOR ANYTHING. >> SO WHAT IF SHANNON HAD A
CHANGE OF HEART AND WANTED — >> — TO START HAVING SEX?
I WOULD IMMEDIATELY DO THAT. >> HAVE YOU CONSIDERED TELLING
HER HOW YOU FEEL? >> TO BE HONEST I HAVEN'T GIVEN
IT MUCH THOUGHT EXCEPT FOR THE SIX-PAGE E-MAIL EXPLAINING WHY
WE BELONG TOGETHER IN MY DRAFTS FOLDER.
SOMETIMES WHEN I'M DRUNK I WILL READ IT, ADD OF FEW LINES AND
HOVER THE CURSOR OVER THE SEND BUTTON BUT NEVER CLICK SEND
BECAUSE UNFORTUNATELY, MICHAEL, I AM A LITTLE BABY BITCH BOY.
>> DON'T HATE ME, BUT CAN YOU BUILD MY IKEA STUFF?
>> I WOULD LOVE TO. MICHAEL, THIS IS SHANNON.
>> I'M SORRY I INTERRUPTED. >> YEAH.
YOU'RE SO RUDE, SHANNON. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.
>> OH, MY GOD. SHUT UP.
JAKE, YOUR FRIEND IS A JERK. UM, BUT WE SHOULD HANG OUT.
GET MY NUMBER FROM JAKE. >> OH, MY GOSH.
STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, SHANNON.
>> SHUT UP. YOU ARE TROUBLE, AREN'T YOU?
>> YEAH, I KNOW. >> WOW.
THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN TO BE HERE FOR.
I'M SO PUMPED YOU GUYS FLIRTED AND MADE PLANS IN FRONT OF ME.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR HER.
>> NAH, JAKE, THAT'S YOUR JOB. FROM THE FRIEND ZONE JAKE. >> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M
MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
GOOD NIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪

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