Weekend Update: Government Shutdown – SNL

Weekend Update: Government Shutdown – SNL


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>>IT’S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH.>>HI.
GOOD EVENING EVERYONE.>>WELCOME TO “WEEKEND UPDATE.”
I’M MICHAEL CHE.>>I’M COLIN JOST.
>>PRESIDENT TRUMP THE MANCH WHO SAID HE WOULD OWN THE SHUT DOWN
DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE UNPAID WHO CAN’T AFFORD
FOOD. HE’S AIR BILLIONAIRE WHO
CONTROLS ALL THE HAMBURGERS IN THE WORLD.
AFTER HE WAS THROUGH HOSTING HIS BURGER ORGY, HE MADE A NEW
PROPOSAL TO END THE SHUT DOWN AND THAT WAS BASICALLY YOU GIVE
ME $5.7 BILLION AND I WILL GIVE YOU BACK THE DREAMERS.
AM I THE ONLY WHO THINKS IT SOUNDS LIKE A HOSTAGE PROPOSAL?
HIS PROTECTIONS ARE NOT EVEN REAL LAWS.
THEY ARE VAGUE PROMISES HE’S MAKING.
I TRUST A PROMISE FROM DONALD TRUMP AS MUCH AS R KELLY IN A
CLAIR’S BOUTIQUE.>>I AGREE.
THAT SPEECH SUCKED. FIRST OF ALL, HE DIDN’T EVEN SAY
HI. HE JUST STARTED TALKING LIKE WE
WERE ALREADY TALKING. THEN HE SAID HE WOULD STOP HALF
THE CRIME WITH THE SLATS. THAT’S A WALL WITHOUT ALL THE
WALL. HEAR THAT, MEXICO.
GOOD LUCK TRYING TO CRACK THIS CODE.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, PASS YOUR DRUGS AND SMALL CHILDREN
THROUGH THE SMALL SLATS? IMAGINE YOU AIR COAST GUARD OR
TSA OR ANY OF THE THOUSANDS OF WORKERS ACTUALLY STOPPING CRIME
FROM DRUGS FROM GETTING INTO THIS COUNTRY AND YOU HAVEN’T
BEEN PAID IN A MONTH. THE PRESIDENT DOESN’T SAY SORRY
OR DOESN’T EVEN SAY HI AND SAYS WHAT Y’ALL THINK ABOUT SLATS?
>>THE OTHER BIG NEWS IS BUZZ FEED PUBLISHED A STORY THAT SAID
ROBERT MUELLER HAD EVIDENCE OF TRUMP COMMITTING AN IMPEACHABLE
CRIME. THE DETAILS WERE SO SKETCHY EVEN
MUELLER’S TEAM WAS OKAY, FAKE NEWS.
HOW DISAPPOINTING WAS THAT. YOU KNOW HOW MANY SUBURBAN MOMS
HAD TO RETRACT THE PARTICULARS SAYING WE GOT HIM?
THE WHITE HOUSE IS NOW CELEBRATING THAT MUELLER
DISPUTED THIS WHILE THERE ARE LIKE 100 OTHER CRIMES ON THE
TABLE. IF YOU GOT TESTED FOR EVERY STD
AND YOUR DOCTOR SAID THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU DON’T HAVE
CHLAMYDIA, YOU WOULDN’T SAY THAT’S ALL I 92ED TO HEAR.
NO CONDOMS FOR THIS GUY.>>THAT’S GOING TO BE A MEME.
>>BUZZ FEED, I THINK IT’S GREAT.
WE THINK IT’S GREAT THAW WANT TO HELP, BUT THIS IS NOT WHAT WE
NEED FROM YOU. Y’ALL AT BUZZ FEED, YOU DO MEMES
AND LISTS. EVERYBODY HAS AN AUNT WHO HAS
ROACHES AND EVERY THANKSGIVING SHE SAYS WHAT SHOULD I BRING AND
WE ARE LIKE UM, ICE. YOU BRING THE ICE BECAUSE WE
DON’T WANT TO PICK RAISINS OUT OF THE TURKEY.
THAT’S YOU, BUZZ FEED. YOU BRING THE ICE.
AS DR. KING ONCE SAID, DON’T GO CHASING WATER FALLS.
STICK TO THE RIVERS AND THE LAKES YOU ARE USED TO.
KIDS COME UP TO ME AND SAY I GET ALL MY NEWS FROM YOU.
I SAY DON’T DO THAT. I BRING THE ICE.
>>>ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI WHO SERVED AS WHITE HOUSE
COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR FOR TWO WEEKS IS JOINING CELEBRITY BIG
BROTHER AND SEAN SPICER IS THE POODLE.
FRESHMAN REPRESENTATIVE ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ WILL BE
GIVING LESSONS TO HER FORMER DEMOCRAT ON HOW TO USE TWITTER
MORE EFFECTIVE FOLLOWED BY CHUCK SCHUMER TEACHING ZUMBA.

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