Weekend Update at the DNC - SNL

Weekend Update at the DNC – SNL



>> HELLO, HELLO, EVERYONE.
HI, CHRIS MATTHEWS WELCOME, TO WEEKEND UPDATE.
I'M COLIN JOST. >> WE'RE LIVE IN PENNSYLVANIA
FOR THE DEMOCRAT GRICHUK NATIONAL CONVENTION.
>> THEY ARE HOLDING IT INSIDE THE WELLS FARGO ARENA.
NOTHING SAID VICTORY LIKE. >> BARACK OBAMA JUST CRUSHED IT,
DUDE. DID YOU SEE H SEE THAT?
>> AMAZING. TORE IT DOWN.
PHYSICALLY, THEY'RE REBUILDING IT IN THE BACKGROUND.
I GOT TO SAY FOR THE DEMES IT'S BEEN MIXED, GOOD, BAD.
THERE'S BEEN SO MUCH PASSION AND ENTHUSIASM HERE.
BUT MOST OF IT WAS FOR THE GUY WHO LOST.
TIM KAINE IS FLUNTD IN SPANISH. ONLY PROBLEM IS HE'S WHITER THAN
ME. ONE DOWN SIDE.
>> IT'S A TIE. >> YOU HAD THIS MOMENT WHERE
BILL CLINTON GAVE A SPEECH AND HUMAN ANIZED HILLARY.
HE MADE HER LOOK LIKE A FULL HUMAN BEING.
>> HE DID. >> RIGHT AFTER THAT SHE APPEARED
ON SATELLITE LIKE SOME KIND OF BOND VILLAIN.
LOOKS LIKE KIM YONG CLINTON. >> EITHER MEET MY DEMANDS OR
I'LL BLOW UP MOUNT RUSHMORE. YOU CAN TELL HILLARY HAS BEEN
WAITING FOR THIS FOR SO LONG BECAUSE THAT GLASS BREAKING
STING FROM 1983. >> I WAS IMPRESSED BY THE BERNIE
SUPPORTERS. THEY WERE PASSIONATE.
LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT ALL THOSE WHITE GIRLS
CRYLING. LOOKS LIKE DAVE MATTHEWS JUST
PLAYED "CRASH INTO ME." WHAT DO THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN
IF BERNIE SANDERS DOESN'T GET TO BE PRESIDENT.
YOU STILL GET TO BE WHITES. WHAT DO YOU THINK, IF THE
MEXICANS LEAVE THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE THE TACK OATHS WITH THEM.
>> IT'S A PROMISE. WHITE GIRLS GET TO KEEP THE
TACOS. I JUST LIKE THAT THEY THOUGHT
THAT BERNIE'S SUPPORT — BERNIE WOULD CALM HIS DELEGATES DOWN.
YOU'VE EVER HEARD BERNIE'S VOICE AND FELT CALM.
NOTHING CALMS PEOPLE LIKE A SCREAMING OLD JEWISH DUDE.
HE WASN'T CALMING THEM. HE WAS RILING THEM UP AND
HANDING THEM OVER TO HILLARY. IT'S LIKE YOU SHOW UP AT YOUR
FRIEND'S BARBECUE, KICK A HORNEST NEST AND SAY GOODBYE.
GOOD LUCK WITH THE BEES. >> THEY THOUGHT HE WAS A
SOCIALIST. >> YEAH.
>> WHAT DID HE THINK THEY WERE GOING TO DO WHEN THEY FOUND OUT
BERNIE IS A SOCIALIST. >> AND BILL CLINTON, OBVIOUSLY A
BIG MOMENT, GAVE THAT MOVING SPEECH, GAVE THE WHOLE STORY OF
HOW HE FELL IN LOVE WITH HILLARY.
IT WAS SORT OF LIKE THE NOTEBOOK BUT IF RYAN GOSLING HAD RIPPED
OUT ALL THOSE PAGES ABOUT HOW HE HAD AN INTERN WITH AN INTERN.
JUST A FEW PAGES. IT CONTAINS PERHAPS THE
STRANGEST DETAIL OF ANY SPEECH THIS WEEK.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK. >> THERE TRUTH IS WE RARELY
DISAGREED ON PARENTING, ALTHOUGH SHE DID BELIEVE THAT I HAD GONE
A LITTLE OVER THE TOP WHEN I TOOK A COUPLE OF DAYS OFF WITH
CHELSEA TO WATCH ALL SIX POLICE ACADEMY MOVIES BACK TO BACK.
>> YOU WATCHED ALL SIX POLICE ACADEMIES?
EVEN STEVE GOTTENBURG QUIT AFTER FOUR.
ALSO, IF YOU WATCH ALL SIX OF THEM IN A ROW, YOU DEFINITELY
INHALED. >> IT'S ALSO IMPORTANT TO NOTE
THAT THIS WAS PRENETFLIX. >> PRENET FELIX.
HE HAD TO GO TO THE STORE AND BUY THEM.
>> THAT'S LIKE FIVE POUNDS OF VIDEOTAPES.
YOU KNOW AT LEAST FIVE POUNDS. PROBABLY SIX, BECAUSE YOU KNOW
HE PICKED UP A PORNO. >> CHELSEA WAITED IN THE FRONT.
>> LET ME GET THESE SEVEN BUT PUT THIS IN A SPECIAL OPAQUE
BAG. GOT MY LITTLE GIRL WITH ME.
SPEAKING OF SPOUSES, MICHELLE OBAMA GAVE —
>> GREAT TRANSITION. >> MICHELLE OBAMA GAVE A
TOUCHING SPEECH ABILITY HOW HER DAUGHTERS WERE ACTUALLY RAISED
IN THE WHITE HOUSE WHICH WAS BUILT BY SLAVES AND RIGHT ON
QUEUE BILL O'RILEY OFFERED UP SOME CLARITY.
LET'S PLAY THAT. >> SLAVES THAT WORKED THERE WERE
WELL FED AND HAD DECENT LODGINGS PROVIDED BY THE GOVERNMENT WHICH
STOPPED HIRING SLAVE LABOR IN 1802.
>> HIRING! THAT GOES AGAINST THE VERY
DEFINITION OF A SLAVE. YOU SLAVE A SLAVE.
YOU DON'T HIRE A SLAVE. CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'RE HIRED, PHIL. >> MY NAME IS MUSTAFA.
NOT ANYMORE IT AIN'T. >> HATE TO CRACK THAT WHIP BUT
YOU GOT TO GET TO WORK ON THAT OVAL OFFICE.
WHEN YOU GET HUNGARY THERE'S A SANDWICH IN THE TRASH.
MEANWHILE WHITE GIRLS ARE CRYING BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY'RE
RUNNING OUT OF TACOS. >> THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> IS THAT WHY THEY'RE CRYING SO MUCH?
>> DONALD TRUMP HAD SOME CRITICISM FROM A DISTANCE.
>> HE'S MARRIED, TOO. >> THAT'S A GOOD TRANSITION.
YOU ARE FULL OF THEM. TRUMP, HE POINTED OUT FIRST —
FIRST HE POINTED OUT THAT THE DEMOCRATS DIDN'T EVEN MENTION
ISIS ONCE. YOU KNOW THEY'RE NOT GOING TO.
THEY'RE DEMOCRATS. THEY DON'T SAY RADICAL IZ LACHL.
THEY DON'T EVEN SIGH PHILLY PANETT ARVEGS.
THE MAN TRUMP CALLED ON THE RUSSIAN HACKERS BROKE INTO THE
SERVER AND HE TOLD THEM TO TRACK DOWN HILLARY CLINTON'S E-MAILS.
TO ME THAT SORT OF SOUNDS LIKE DONALD TRUMP IS TRYING TO HIRE
FOREIGN LABEL. RIGHT?
I'M JUST SAYING WON'T YOU BE TAKING JOBS AWAY FROM HARD
WORKING AMERICAN HACKERS? TOM CRANDALL HARVESTING CREDIT
CARD NUMBERS FROM PORN HUB. OR JOHNNY HACKLESEED.
>> YOU'VE BEEN PITCHING HACKLESIDE FOR TWO SEASONS NOW.
YOU FINALLY SNUCK IT IN ON ANOTHER NETWORK.
>> JOE BIDEN CAME OUT TO THE ROCKY THEME SOUNDING LIKE MICKY.
>> LOOK AT HOW CHARGED UP JOE BIDEN WAS.
>> PERFECT. >> GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND MAY GOD
PROTECT OUR TROOPS! COME ON!
>> COME ON! >> ARRR!
>> CAME OUT SWINGING. PRETTY SURE NOW HE'S ON HIS
PULLING AN AMTRAK TRAIN BACK TO WASHINGTON WITH HIS TEETH.
>> AND THEN ROW SETA STONE SPOKE.
J [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] >> WE GET YOU.
YOU SPEAK A LITTLE BIT OF SPANISH.
DON'T KEEP DOING IT. ALSO YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES POSSIBLY.
WHEN WOULD WE EVER NEED YOU TO DO THAT?
>> NO. >> WHEN WOULD WE EVER NEED
EIGHTH GRADE SPANISH SKILLS. HEY, TIM, CASTRO'S ON THE PHONE,
I CAN'T MAKE ANYTHING OF IT. >> HELLO.
OH, SI, SI. NOTHING'S GOING TO HAPPEN, DUDE.
>> DOESN'T THIS CLINTON-CAIN SOUND LIKE A COP WHO DOESN'T
PLAY BY THE RULES. >> GET IN HERE, YOU'RE A LOOSE
CANON. [ SPEAKING PLAY SPANISH ]
THERE'S A LOT OF PROTESTERS. THERE'S A LOT OF PROTESTERS.
IT WAS HOT. HUNDRED-DEGREE PROTESTERS.
>> YEAH, IT WAS AFRICA HOT. WE DECIDED TO HELP THEM OUT.
>> FREE WATER. >> COME GET YOUR FREE WATER.
>> FREE WATER! ON THIS HOT 100 DEGREE DAY.
FREE WATER FOR EVERYBODY. >> OH, NO, OH, NO.
>> ARE YOU A WATER FAN? >> HERE'S SOME WATER.
>> OH, NO! OH, MY GOD!
I WOULD DIE FIRST. >> OH, MY GOD, TAKE THE WATER
BACK. >> PEOPLE ON THE FENCE ABOUT
WATER, I GUESS. >> I DEFINITELY AM NOT
INTERESTED. >> WILL YOU TRITE IT?
>> ABSOLUTELY NOT. >> IF I COME HOME WITH IT THEY
WOULDN'T LET NECESSITY IN THE HOUSE.
>> NO THANK YOU. I'LL WALK AWAY TIRED AND
THIRSTY. >> DON'T LET HATE CHANGE THE WAY
YOU HYDRATE. JESUS TURNED WATER INTO WIND.
>> THIS MAKES WATER? >> WHAT ELSE?
>> TODAYLY TASTELESS. >> MAN, YOU COULDN'T ALMOST TELL
YOU WERE ACTING. >> TRUMP WATER, MAKE WATER GREAT
AGAIN. >> GOD MADE WATER, TRUMP BUTT IT
IN BOTTLES. >> WE PROTESTING AND WE'RE —
>> THIS IS GOOD. >> HMM.
>> SHE'S GUZZLING. SHE'S GUZZLING.
>> IT'S GOOD. >> IT'S PRETTY GROOVY.
>> TRUMP WATER. >> PRETTY GROOVY.
>> WELL, WE REALLY CHANGED SOME MINDS TODAY AND WE ALSO DIDN'T.
>> BACK TO YOU, COLIN AND MICHAEL.
THANKS. >> I LOVE THAT WOMAN WHO
SCREAMED AT THE TRUMP WATER. >> IT WAS HOT.
>> THANK YOU FOR JOINING US. CHECK OUT HILLARY CLINTON WHO'S
SPEAKING TOMORROW NIGHT AND I GUARANTEE YOU ONE THING, IT'S
THE LEAST SHE'S EVER BEEN PAID FOR A SPEECH.
HEY! >> THERE YOU GO.
>> BACK TO COVERAGE OF THE DEMOCRAT IC NATIONAL CONVENTION
ON MSNBC WITH OUR BOY CHRIS MATTHEWS USE.
SEE YOU SOON, CHRIS.

30 thoughts on “Weekend Update at the DNC – SNL

  1. These guys are so in love with the Democrats. The softest jabs at the Democrat candidates and sucking Obama’s D but basically what you expect from SNL.

  2. Maybe people like Bernie because of policy, and know that centrism will lose to Trump, that can make someone cry.

  3. Oh man, I have to laugh at politics or I just get depressed or sick to my stomach. Thanks SNL.
    I had to edit my comment to remove much more negative energy. Please forgive me. I feel extremely disappointed with humanity.
    I hope you all have loving, happy, healthy, productive lives in the middle of this mess without resorting to the ignorant hate and violence that surrounds us. And that’s the upside.

  4. O'Reilly, really???dude thanks for feeding them what a moron if it was up to me you would have been slaved for 1 day to see how you like it. and I promise to feed you well 😎

  5. You want DREAMERS , Ice gone , to legalize Legals ,,, should anyone even consider it before we are able to first control the number that come into the State's ?? Think about it real hard , Its kinda a no brainier

  6. The only reason this and the republican video are bad is because they had to write jokes in less than a couple of hours. When they have the week to write jokes, it’s amazing. This obviously isn’t their best work, but it isn’t bad for the time they had.

  7. See they make fun of everyone. They just doesn't make fun of Trump. Its just Trump give them more chance to make jokes about him.

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