Trump May Be Brought Down By Two Calamitous Phone Calls


WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO “THE
LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON’T– I DON’T THINK I’M TELLING ANY TELLS OUT OF SCHOOL
HERE WHEN I SAY THAT DONALD TRUMP IS IN TROUBLE. BUT THIS TIME IT’S DOUBLE
TROUBLE THANKS TO TWO PHONE CALLS:
ONE WITH THE PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE IN WHICH HE ASKED FOR
DIRT ON JOE BIDEN, AND ANOTHER CALL WITH THE PRESIDENT OF
TURKEY IN WHICH HE SOLD OUT OUR ALLIES THE KURDS. I ASSUME, I ASSUME FOR DIRT ON
JOE BIDEN. IN THE END, TRUMP MAY BE
DEFEATED BY HIS GREATEST WEAKNESS: HIS ACHILLE’S MOUTH.( LAUGHTER )
IT’S ALL DETAILED IN THE EPIC POEM “THE IDIOD.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
YEAH. IT’S A HOMER JOKE. IT’S A HOMER JOKE.>>Jon: HOMER SIMPSON IS THERE
IT’S THE IDIOT AND THE ODDITY. BUT THAT’S JUST THE TIP OF THE
DUMB-BERG, BECAUSE TRUMP’S CALLS WITH FOREIGN LEADERS HAVE LONG
WORRIED AIDES, LEAVING SOME “GENUINELY HORRIFIED.” SO, THESE FORMER AIDES WERE
HORRIFIED, BUT THEY’RE JUST TELLING US NOW? WELL, IT’S LIKE THE SIGNS SAY:
“IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING TWO YEARS AFTER WE
COULD DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
AND IT’S NOT– IT’S NOT NEW. IT’S NOT– WE’RE ALL DOOMED! THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR A
WHILE. JUST A COUPLE WEEKS AFTER TAKING
OFFICE, TRUMP GAVE VLADIMIR PUTIN A CALL THAT FORMER
OFFICIALS DESCRIBED AS OBSEQUIOUS” AND “FAWNING,” WHERE
“TRUMP WAS LIKE, ‘OH, MY GOSH. MY PEOPLE DIDN’T TELL ME YOU
WANTED TO TALK TO ME!'” (AS TRUMP)
“I MEAN, SO FEW PEOPLE WANT TO. SOMETIMES I GET SO LONELY, I
CALL THE RECORDED LINE FOR KARS4KIDS JUST TO HEAR A HUMAN’S
VOICE. ♪ 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS
BE MY FRIEND TODAY ♪ SOME OF TRUMP’S CALLS WERE JUST
BIZARRE, LIKE ONE CALL WITH CHINA’S PRESIDENT XI, WHERE
TRUMP REPEATED NUMEROUS TIMES HOW MUCH HE LIKED A KIND OF
CHOCOLATE CAKE. CHOCOLATE CAKE? WAIT, WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT
BEFORE?>>WE HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE THAT YOU’VE EVER SEEN, AND PRESIDENT
XI WAS ENJOYING IT.>>Stephen: I THINK I SEE WHAT’S
HAPPENING HERE– XI ONCE TOLD TRUMP THAT HE LIKED
CHOCOLATE CAKE, AND NOW TRUMP WON’T STOP BRINGING IT UP IN
AN ATTEMPT TO BOND WITH HIM. IT’S LIKE TELLING YOUR AUNT THAT
YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL IS A FROG WHEN YOU’RE EIGHT YEARS
OLD, AND GETTING FROG PRESENTS FROM HER FOR THE REST OF YOUR
LIFE.( LAUGHTER )
BY THE WAY, AUNT GLORIA, THANKS FOR THE NEW APRON. “TIME’S FUN WHEN YOU’RE HAVING
FLIES!” I LOVE EXPLAINING THAT TO
PEOPLE. NOW, THE MOST STRIKING POINT
ABOUT TRUMP’S PHONE HABITS ARE HOW DIFFERENT THEY ARE FROM HIS
PREDECESSOR’S. AN OFFICIAL FROM THE OBAMA
YEARS SAID, “WHEN I WAS AT THE WHITE HOUSE, PREPARATION FOR
THESE CALLS WAS TAKEN VERY SERIOUSLY,” BUT “IT APPEARS TO
BE FREESTYLE AND AD-LIBBED NOW.” OKAY, SO TRUMP IS MAKING THIS UP
AS HE GOES. HE’S BASICALLY DOING DIPLOMACY
LIKE AN IMPROV TEAM. “OKAY, EVERYONE, WELCOME. BRING THE LIGHTS UP. I’M ABOUT TO CALL A FOREIGN–
ALL I NEED IS A SUGGESTION OF A COUNTRY AND SOMETHING TO TARIFF! ANYBODY? I HEARD SWITZERLAND AND CUCKOO
CLOCKS? WE TAKE YOU NOW TO A
PROCTOLOGIST’S OFFICE… ON THE MOON.”( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE OVER MORE THAN JUST THE PHONE CALLS,
BECAUSE HE JUST LOST A BIG COURT RULING HERE IN NEW YORK CITY. ON MONDAY, THE PRESIDENT WAS
ORDERED TO TURN OVER HIS TAX RETURNS TO THE MANHATTAN D.A.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.>>Jon: GOT TO GIVE THEM UP
NOW.>>Stephen: THAT WAS BUILDING
UP. THAT WAS BACKING UP ON US.( APPLAUSE )
THAT WAS A LONG TIME COMING. I THINK THE WHOLE AUDIENCE
JUST HAD A SIMULTANEOUS W-4-GASM. FOR NOW, TRUMP’S LAWYERS ARE
APPEALING– AND THAT IS THE ONLY TIME I’LL EVER USE THE WORDS
“TRUMP” AND “APPEALING” IN THE SAME SENTENCE. BUT THE RULING IS PRETTY
EXTRAORDINARY WHEN YOU READ IT. APPARENTLY, TRUMP’S LEGAL TEAM
ARGUED THAT A SITTING PRESIDENT CAN’T BE PROCESSED FOR ANY
CRIME. THE JUDGE WASN’T HAVING IT,
SAYING IT WAS REPUGNANT TO THE NATION’S GOVERNMENTAL STRUCTURE
AND CONSTITUTIONAL VALUES, AND THAT “THE PRESIDENT’S CLAIM OF
ABSOLUTE IMMUNITY CONCEIVABLY COULD ENABLE THE GUILTY TO GO
FREE.” TO WHICH THE DEFENSE REPLIED,
(AS TRUMP) “BING, BING, BING, BING, BING! NOW YOU’RE GETTIN’ IT.” THIS GUY IS GOOD!”
NOW, WE’RE ALSO LEARNING–( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BING! BING! BING! BING, BONG, BIG, BONG, BING,
BING, BANG, BONG. WE’RE ALSO LEARNING ABOUT
ANOTHER OF TRUMP’S FIXATIONS: LIE DETECTOR TESTS. ACCORDING TO FORMER WHITE HOUSE
OFFICIALS, THE PRESIDENT IS SO OBSESSED WITH LEAKS, THAT “HE
HAS FREQUENTLY DISCUSSED WHETHER TO ORDER POLYGRAPHS OF WHITE
HOUSE STAFFERS.” TRUMP ORDERING A POLYGRAPH IS
LIKE KEITH RICHARDS ADMINISTERING A DRUG TEST. ♪ I CAN’T GET NO
URINE SAMPLE ♪( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP WANTED TO USE THE LIE DETECTOR TO FERRET OUT WHITE
HOUSE LEAKERS, BUT SO FAR, AIDES HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PERSUADE HIM
NOT TO LAUNCH SUCH A DRASTIC STEP, ARGUING IT WOULD BE
COUNTERPRODUCTIVE, MAINLY BECAUSE ANY TIME A POLYGRAPH
COMES WITHIN TEN FEET OF TRUMP, IT BURSTS INTO FLAMES.

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