I'm Julianna McKannis
filling in for Clifford Banes who is standing over a bound
and gagged man with a shovel wondering if he has the guts
to go through with it. With so many newspapers
struggling financially, some analysts fear the print media
is in danger of collapsing. But if newspapers disappear,
what will crazy old loons fill their dusty, cluttered
houses with? This is a real crisis.
If the print media dies loons will have nothing
to stack in huge piles in every corner of their home.
-Robert is right. Since the time
of the American Revolution reclusive loons
have been hoarding newspapers. Look times change, loons will just
have to find something else to stack. Speaking as a loon myself…
-You're a loon? Yes! My home is a maze
of old newspapers stacked from floor to ceiling.
-I didn't know that. How could you? No other living person
has set foot inside my house in 14 years. -Listen, the death
of the newspaper is going to affect a lot more
than just a bunch of crazy old loons. Damn! -There are people
all over this country that depend on newspapers to cover
the floor of their garage when they're trying
to paint something. Now I love newspapers as much
as any half crazed pack-rat hermit, but the future of the news
is the internet, plain and simple. Oh come on David, kindergarten teachers
aren't going to have any newspaper to make their paper-mâché
piñatas out of. -Oh come on! Besides that internet news
is completely unreliable. That's right.
-Big piles of printout fall right over once they catch on something.
-Exactly. I acknowledge the stackability
of newspapers. Thank you! Because stacking
is a treasured pastime of loons, something I've dreamed about
my son being able to do when he loses his mind. But loons have learned
to adapt in the past, I mean before newspapers
shut-ins and crazies hoarded animal bones and wax figures.
-You cannot insulate your clothes with animal bones.
-Now some people believe that the government should step in
and give financial support to the newspaper industry in order
to preserve the loon way of life. No, we already subsidize Amtrak
for the benefit of the loons costing the taxpayers
millions of dollars. Well Robert, as a loon do you think-
-6, 56, 22. Robert? -17, 49…