Dem Candidates Struggle To Impress Donors And Stay In The News

Dem Candidates Struggle To Impress Donors And Stay In The News


WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL, TO
“THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. IT’S FRIDAY!( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LISTEN TO THAT, JON. THAT CAN ONLY BE ONE THING. THAT’S A FRIDAY CROWD RIGHT
THERE, THAT IS.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ABSOLUTELY. ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES. IT IS FRIDAY AND TRUMP IS
THANKING GOD THAT IT IS. BECAUSE HE’S HAD A ROUGH WEEK. THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY HAS BEEN
SO DAMNING, TRUMP NEEDED HIS HOUSE REPUBLICAN BUDDIES TO
BARGE INTO THE CLASSIFIED TESTIMONY TO TRY TO SHUT IT
DOWN. WHEN THEY FINALLY DO MAKE THE
TESTIMONY PUBLIC, HE’LL HAVE TO SEND THOSE GUYS TO EVERY
AMERICAN’S HOUSE TO BLOCK THEIR TVs. THERE ARE 18 DEMOCRATS VYING TO
REMOVE TRUMP FROM OFFICE THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY. I’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT’S “DOIN’ IT DONKEY STYLE.”>>GENDER-NEUTRAL BATHROOMS!>>Stephen: TONIGHT, IT’S A
SOLEMN D-STYLE, BECAUSE WE JUST A LITTLE LESS D. NAMELY, OHIO REPRESENTATIVE AND
MAN WHO RELEASED A DOVE THAT FLEW DIRECTLY INTO A JET ENGINE,
TIM RYAN. THAT REALLY PAINTS A PICTURE. THAT REALLY PAINTS A PICTURE. YESTERDAY, RYAN ISSUED THIS
ANNOUNCEMENT:>>I’M ANNOUNCING TODAY THAT I’M
WITHDRAWING FROM THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN. I GOT INTO THIS RACE IN APRIL TO
REALLY GIVE VOICE TO THE FORGOTTEN PEOPLE OF OUR COUNTRY.>>Stephen: AND I CAN THINK OF
NO BETTER VOICE TO REPRESENT THE FORGOTTEN PEOPLE OF AMERICA
THAN… HELP ME OUT HERE. WAS IT… RYAN JIMMIES? CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY? IT’S THREE NAMES. WELL, NOW THAT CONGRESSMAN CHAD
IS GONE, LET’S REMOVE HIM FROM OUR GIANT CLUSTER OF DEMOCRATIC
CANDIDATES. AND… IT LOOKS LIKE WE FORGOT TO PUT
HIM IN THERE. I DON’T SEE HIM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CAN WE JUST JAM HIM IN THERE SOME PLACE, JIM. THANK YOU! GREAT. NOW LET’S TAKE HIM AWAY.( APPLAUSE )
I THINK I HUFFED HIM.( LAUGHTER )
IN THE MONEY RACE, WALL STREET’S DEMOCRATIC DONORS HAVE WARNED
THE PARTY THAT IF THEY NOMINATE ELIZABETH WARREN, THEY’LL SIT
OUT OR BACK TRUMP. SO IF YOU CAN’T HAVE EXACTLY
WHAT YOU WANT, YOU’LL TAKE THE WORST THING YOU CAN IMAGINE. WORST THING THERE IS. “WE’RE ORDERING PIZZA? SWEET. I WANT PEPPERONI. AND IF YOU ORDER MUSHROOM, I’M
GOING TO HIT MYSELF IN THE NARDS WITH A BALL-PEEN HAMMER. I DOLL IT! I WILL DO IT! DON’T MAKE ME!”
WHY ARE THESE FINANCE DEMOCRATS SO OPPOSED TO WARREN? WELL, ONE WALL STREET DOUCHEWIG
PUT IT THIS WAY: “WARREN IS AN UNAPOLOGETIC POPULIST WHO WOULD
REDUCE CORPORATE EARNINGS TO BENEFIT OTHER STAKEHOLDERS.” WHICH STAKEHOLDERS? “WORKERS,” THE “ENVIRONMENT,”
“THOSE WITH LOWER INCOMES,” AND FINALLY, “WOMEN AND MINORITIES.” BOO! WHAT ABOUT– WHAT ABOUT INNOCENT
CORPORATE EARNINGS? THINK OF POOR DOWAGER JONES AND
LITTLE TIMMY NASDAQ.( LAUGHTER )
THEY’RE GOING TO BE FORCED TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH THEIR
SECOND-FAVORITE COKE DEALER. DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THE WORDS OF
JESUS? “IF YOU WANT TO BE PERFECT, GO,
SELL YOUR POSSESSIONS AND GIVE IT ALL TO THE STOCK MARKET. WE’RE GONNA MAKE SOME SWEET
COIN. SUCK IT, MEEK!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
“SUCK IT, MEEK!”
( APPLAUSE )
PARAPHRASING. PARAPHRASING.>>Jon: TRANSLATION. IT’S A TRANSLATION
>>Stephen: ONE BIG DONKEY DONOR WHO’S NOT AFRAID OF WARREN IS
FORMER GOLDMAN SACHS PARTNER AND NEAL PATRICK HAIRLESS, MICHAEL
NOVOGRATZ. MR. NOVOGRATZ WAS INTERVIEWED BY
“BLOOMBERG” ON FRIDAY, AND HE TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO CHIDE
HIS FELLOW MONEY BUDDIES: “YOU’RE NOT VICTIMS. YOU’RE THE RICHEST PEOPLE IN THE
WORLD. HOW IN GOD’S NAME DO YOU FEEL
LIKE A VICTIM?” TO WHICH RICH PEOPLE RESPONDED,
“WELL, IF I’M NOT GOD’S VICTIM, THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE NAME
OF MY YACHT?”( LAUGHTER )
AND WARREN’S NOT THE ONLY CANDIDATE GIVING VOTERS SOME
COLD FEET. ACCORDING TO “THE NEW YORK
TIMES,” MANY ESTABLISHMENT DEMOCRATS ARE ASKING, “IS THERE
ANYBODY ELSE?” NO! TIM RYAN HAD TO DROP OUT BECAUSE
WE DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH PODIUMS! YOU HAVE SO MANY OPTIONS, AND
YOU’RE ASKING FOR MORE? THAT’S LIKE SHOWING UP FOR
THANKSGIVING DINNER AND ASKING FOR A FIVE-FOOT PARTY SUB! NO! YOUR MOTHER WORKED REALLY HARD
ON THIS MEAL. SHE LEARNED HOW TO STUFF A
HICKENLOOPER.( LAUGHTER )
AND ASIDE FROM THE PRIMARY’S FRONTRUNNERS, OTHER CANDIDATES
ARE STRUGGLING TO STAY IN THE NEWS, LIKE FORMER MARYLAND
CONGRESSMAN AND HANK HILL’S NEIGHBOR FROM “KING OF THE
HILL,” JOHN DELANEY.( APPLAUSE )
REALLY GOOD. REALLY GOOD. THIS WEEK, DELANEY’S CAMPAIGN
ANNOUNCED A PROMOTION WHERE DONORS WILL BE ENTERED INTO A
CONTEST TO WIN A SEAT NEXT TO DELANEY AT THE FOURTH GAME OF
THE WORLD SERIES. WHICH, THAT’S GREAT. THAT’S A REALLY POSITIVE WAY TO
REFRAME THE FACT THAT NOBODY WANTED TO GO TO THE WORLD SERIES
WITH JOHN DELANEY. IN A PRESS RELEASE, DELANEY
WROTE, “SOMETHING YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT ME IS THAT I’M A BIG
BASEBALL FAN.” THANKS, JOHN. ANOTHER THING I DON’T KNOW ABOUT
YOU…( LAUGHTER )
IS ANYTHING.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
SO– SORRY!( LAUGHTER )
AND OTHER DEMOCRATIC CONTENDERS GOT IN ON THE GAME, LIKE
MONTANA’S STEVE BULLOCK, WHO TWEETED, “IT AIN’T THE WORLD
SERIES, BUT IF YOU COME TO THE CROSS TOWN GAME IN HELENA THIS
WEEKEND, I’LL BUY YOU A COKE.” ADDING, “AND IF YOU CAN TELL THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND MICHAEL BENNET, I’LL BUY YOU A
CAR.”

100 thoughts on “Dem Candidates Struggle To Impress Donors And Stay In The News

  1. Even Trump is sneakingly running as a democratic pre-candidate, just in case, so he got it covered if he's kicked from the GOP nomination, and maybe he could even get lucky enough to run against himself, for the two parties.

  2. I bet the Wallstreet douche who said ''Warren is a populist'' is a DNC staffer or somebody like that to make her look better compared to Bernie. I do not believe wall street fears Warren. They know she is Obama part 2

  3. I heard President Trump got 105 million the same time Father Mcfeely Biden mustered a mere 20 million! LOL!
    Trump has raised more than all the weak Democrats combined, yet they deserve the WH? how about no, they're lesser candidates.
    How does that grab you? @The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

  4. @The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, you will never beat President Trump, ever, he's better than you.
    The more you demean him the more you demean your lesser self. Put President on your resume, oh wait! you can't! Hater! Hahaha

  5. Stephen Colbert can't even land the Tonight Show, but Trumps in the WH. Let's create a late night show, dress like Rick Moranis and roast Stevie pretend Wonder Colbert. Maybe he will view how many of us see him. Someone you would wipe a booger on in High School.

  6. I just hope that the average Joe is listening to what these greedy rich people are saying. If the candidate first priority is to help the people and not the richest among us then they will vote for Trump. If I was Bernie and Warren I would mention this at ever event I go to.

  7. Wall Street Democrats don't even need to vote — New York is a solid blue state. Fine, assholes. Sit this one out. We'll still vote blue.

  8. It's reverse psychology, don't fall for it. They know that Warren is a phony and will be a corporate hack the moment she is elected, thus why they pretend to be against her. Rich people aren't typically stupid. The rich and powerful try their best to silence those of whom are for the people's best interest. Those are the candidates that people should vote for.

  9. Tulsi gabbard is the greatest democrat of my life time. Being a die hard trumper. Tulsi gabbard is the real deal. I would vote for tulsi gabbard before trump. Get behind the real democrat nonminee and the dems will win 2020

  10. don't buy the wall street crying: if it comes down to warren and sanders, watch them change their tune faster than you can say 'medicare for all'… don't fall for imitations, buy the real thing… #BERNIE2020

  11. So Warren is the best way to say fuck you to Wall street while also getting an amazing president? Where do I sign? no seriously wall street goons are the worst and shouldn't be allowed to throw such infinitely large sums of money behind people in elections…

  12. How about we find out who these donors are and boycott them if they do back trump. Why do they get a say, and why does it take millions of dollars to run campaigns? How can you trust any candidate to do the right thing for citizens when they are in a corporations pocket – let’s call it what it is, legalised bribery

  13. Bernie continues to impress his record breaking 1 million donors out raising all other candidates not to mention having the single largest Dem rally for the 2o2o run. His only problem is the mainstream media's complete distance for him and their constant petty identity smears

  14. May the Independent Association grow stonger as State, County, and City Governments grow stronger than the Federal Government. May the Democratic-Republican Parties Retire from the Propoganda collecticly and willingly.

    1. Revisise the Consitution and revisit all Constitutions. Understand history to be progressive in the future of our globe.
    2. Set term limits for political puppeteers and stop blamming 4 year puppets/presidents. (We the people should be wiser than that by self education on fact and roads paved before us.)
    3. Abolish the trend of adopting precendets that were based on stare decisis.
    👩🏽‍💻

    Late Show comedy is an entertaining distraction.😉

    Can Saturday Night Live address the Congressional Hearing of Mark Zukerberg please?! Comical display of federal conduct. 😂🤞🏼

  15. Go Warren for president. ☝🏼 but is it constitutional? I dont see "she" or "women" anywhere? 🧐 If you can vote than vote in 2020 to expose faulty polling algorithms as evidence in court.

  16. Liz Warren and her supporters look like the bingo card auction bidders form Get Out. Warren was courting coporate megadonors last year as a Senator(she transferred $10.4 million in leftover funds from her 2018 Senate campaign to underwrite her 2020 run), and says she’ll do it again if she wins the primary.Working people deserve leaders who have rejected money from people in high places — for life. Liz campaign treasurer, meanwhile, is “a key benefactor and rainmaker for Democratic political committees” with a fat Rolodex of wealthy liberal super-PAC donors. Right now Liz can afford a vacation from wealthy donors but has promised to return to them, saying "Look, I do not believe in unilateral disarmament. We need to win. We need to win in 2020. When we hit 2020 and we’re in a race with Donald Trump . . . we got to be all in".

  17. If the wealthy hate Warren, then she has even more of my support. Bernie challenged Clinton on small donations. Warren can do it too.

  18. SEE – Stephen reminds us we have to accept whichever candidate the donor-bought DNC approves for us, by preparing to equate those who refuse to accept a candidate half as good as Bernie with those who are just being whining donors. You know… those people the DNC obeys while pretending to hate Warren. 2:27

    SEE – Pretending to hate Warren? Just imagine the wallstreeter saying all Stephen presents you with while twisting his mustache and begging us to NOT throw him into the briar patch. 'ooOOo ooo Warren is so bad.. yes she is the sooOOOoo baddest… cuz we really hate how tough and strong she is when she only takes corporate money for the Senate race and then uses it in presidential primary and then again in the general election… until it polls bad and then she tells us she won't take corporate money any more, in the general… and she really, really means it, this time…. ooooo'! 2:59

    SEE – How Stephen omits Bernie's popularity days after the largest gathering of people for any candidate this primary. You want to hear how much the corrupt establishment hates and fears Bernie?…. Just listen to Stephen's silence. BERNIE 2020! 4:23

  19. Who is dumb enough to think this guy is delivering accurate news? The impeachment hearings are a scam engineered to remove Trump from office because they cannot beat him next year. It won't work and will cost Dems dearly in the House.

  20. The Democrat field is so weak that the neo-Marxist media is now talking that Hillary is going to jump in the race. "Hillary Rodham Clinton the Woman the Legend!" A winning ticket: Hillary Rodham Clinton/Stacey Abrams 2020!

  21. So in 2016 we had people like Colbert making fun of the "circus" of Republican nominees running for president. Now, we have people like Colbert making fun of all the no name losers running for president in the Democratic party….like…having choices is a bad idea? For who? How is it funny? Ya'll think we should only have one choice?

  22. Bernie impresses donors all the time – donors who give him $27.00 or more each time they donate. He refuses to take one dime from Super Pacs, wealthy individuals and big-ass corporations!

    Now THAT is how you impress your donors – you know – the fine citizens of this country!

    ***k the big-ass donors and the power they have over people who accept their corrupt money/donations!

  23. Is there anyone else? YANG is that someone else. #YangGang #humanityfirst #freedomdividend $1000 a month would be better for America than a Federal Jobs Guarantee!!!

  24. 2:37 That’s how Trump won right?
    People couldn’t get the one they wanted and instead went with the worst. I’ve actually heard multiple, multiple(!) people say this.
    2020? Don’t be ungrateful, America.

  25. Trump Family 2020-2040 Elected. The Democrats will lose and people will cry. You are a bunch of idiots.

  26. The rich make me ill. They just want to keep themselves rich and make sure that nobody else (unless they are already rich) gets money.

  27. This show use to have some pretty decent content and now it's just a jester making really bad jokes that aren't really that funny to mock the same specific person (The president) every single episode on repeat.

  28. What the news won't tell Dem voters is that rich Dem donors help Trump win nomination to face Hillary thinking Hillary would have easy time beating Trump in election. So basically all the people fighting to get Trump impeached are the same people that put him in office. And since there failing while trying to impeach today there getting exposed which will cause Trump to win 2020

  29. Face it America. You're going to go with Biden. The most useless, sackless do nothing tool in the bunch. It's not like the majority want change of any kind.

  30. Strange that they are singling out Elizabeth Warren and not targetting Bernie Sanders as well. Why would she be a bigger threat to them than Sander? Of the two, he's the democratic-socialist, and he's certainly been agitating for working people, the poor, and the marginalized a lot longer than ex-Republican Warren. (Not to diss Warren, whom I like. Just wondering why she and only she is the target.)

  31. It is shameful that democrats instead of work for the people and think of the best for the country; they just fight to each other and all of them against Warren????!!!!!! Today, we want the unity of the democrats and all you show is your greed!!! no wonder why people think that trump has an opportunity. the white supremacy is tigh, why not you?????? for the people!!! for the country!!

  32. Colbert's insights are a narcissistic twist on reality for the sleeping masses to feel included in the game being played against them.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *