Civ 6: Breaking News

Civ 6: Breaking News

Alright, we’re going live in five Four Three (Silent) Two (Silent) One ♫ News Music ♫ Good morning to America and to our great leader, Theodore Roosevelt, may he remain merciful as he outlives us all. Our top story today: A new city-state quest from Geneva, But first barbarians approach from the south, the scout that has brought us that previous headline and his untimely demise. Thought we were going with the Geneva story first. It just got pushed back, we had a couple big headlines come through at the last minute. Alright, as long as we get to it. Barbarians eventually outran the pursuing military forces, who say that they probably won’t come back. Next up: Geneva! A city-state in turmoil. A line of armed forces was seen just outside their borders yesterday- Oh! We got a new story in. I’m sorry, we have breaking news. The scout that died in the barbarian attack is available for a promotion. Some point out that the scout is, as we mentioned, Dead. Others ask, “Why do we still have scouts?” What? What was that? He was in the middle of talking! I know, but this one came through and I had to push it back. It’s… it’s a ratings thing. I know how ratings work! I want this story to go through! It’s very important! Okay! It’s up next. Back to our main story for today, government officials are concerned that our influence with nearby city-states may be slipping, due to hostile interference. Wait. I’m getting an update, this is breaking news! A natural wonder has been discovered. The Cliffs of Dover have been spotted along the south shore. Scholars wonder how we knew what those were before we had ever seen them, but the world may never know. What was that? It’s not my decision, it’s our viewers! They’re not interested in hearing about city-state politics. It’s my decision, I’m the producer, and we’re covering the Geneva story! And we return again to the sad and boring tale of city-states. The conflict in Geneva has spread to others in the region. Scythia has taken military action against four city-states, and two of them have been captured since I started talking. Brussels has requested that we ally with them against Scythia, but the government has not yet made a decision, saying in an official statement: “Ehh.” Our viewers are dropping. This is vital information that is directly impacting our country. The executive director is threatening to cancel us in the next ten seconds unless we talk about something else. Fine. Do whatever makes people happy. Hold up, breaking news everyone, new continent discovered! That’s right, an entire new chunk of land has been found and you’ll never guess what it’s full of, unless you guessed barbarians. There are so many that they seem to have formed their own civilization, which they call “Sumeria.” Ignoring things happening around us doesn’t keep them from happening to us. It’s not our job to protect people. We notify them about what’s happening and they either listen or they don’t. And by “they,” I mean our immortal leader who watches our every move. Praise be, but we’re a news station, and we’re just listing headlines! Breaking news: three improvements pillaged. Also, breaking news: a city starving. And later, breaking news: a spy killed. Further explanation will have to wait because breaking news: barbarians approach from the south. Again. WHY IS EVERYTHING ABOUT BARBARIANS?!?! Have you been outside? They’re everywhere. Breaking news: the leader of Japan has fallen unconscious and been replaced by an artificial intelligence! Nope! He’s back. He’s fine, everything’s fine. Can you tell a story like a normal person, please? I’m going to keep reading whatever you put in front of me. Breaking news: Yoloism has spread to Funkytown. WHY AM I EVEN HERE? Breaking news: Scythia has declared war on America! That’s right, the country that you live in! I did not see that coming! What do you– they’ve been capturing every city-state around us one by one! Oh…that’s why it was important…. That’s it! I quit! I’m done with this job! I should’ve been a builder! I could’ve been retired by now! *grunting in Barbarish* WHY ARE THERE BARBARIANS IN HERE!?!? Breaking news: unit killed. Tadda Hey everybody! That video was filmed at a place called The Studio. It’s an arts studio in Cedar Park, uh, run by Joe Fiacco; he’s the guy who taught me how to draw and do art things. I started working there teaching animation, and started teaching Ethan, and that’s how we met. And now I work there. And Ethan currently works there. There’s usually a free intro class, you can go in and first time, just test out the waters, see if you like it. Let ’em know that we sent you in, and you’ll probably get special treatment, because we now them very very well. You’ll probably get a high five and a Dr Pepper. Real Villain?

100 thoughts on “Civ 6: Breaking News

  1. My cities don't starve but my highest population ones was the time I conquered Norway as Japan and used their capital to launch spaceships. They were my only cities with actual farms. I also went to war with everyone, except France and China (China because they were killed by Britain), because Egypt to my south persuaded them. Except England, they wanted my cities on the other side of the pond, no really it was across a lake with the Galapeo Islands in it. I'm just glad India, the last ally with Egypt didn't have nukes.

  2. Scholars are wondering how we know about these before we’ve even seen them. The world will never know.


  3. HOI4 should be
    BREAKING NEWS: Germany declares war on Poland
    BREAKING NEWS: Poland joins Allies
    BREAKING NEWS: United Kingdom, British Raj, Canada, British Malaya, basically all of british commonwealth
    BREAKING NEWS: Soviet Union has declared war on Poland
    BREAKING NEWS: Soviet Union has declared war on Finland
    BREAKING NEWS: Poland has capitulated
    BREAKING NEWS: Germany has declared war on Denmark and Norway
    BREAKING NEWS: Germany has declared war on Luxembourg, Belgium, and Holland
    BREAKING NEWS: Luxembourg has capitulated
    BREAKING NEWS: Belgium has capitulated
    BREAKING NEWS: Holland has capitulated
    BREAKING NEWS: France has capitulated
    1941 and lower
    BREAKING NEWS: Germany declares war on Soviet Union
    BREAKING NEWS: United States of America declares war on Japan
    1943 and lower
    BREAKING NEWS: Republican Italy declares war on Italian Empire
    1944 and lower
    BREAKING NEWS: Allied front in Italy
    BREAKING NEWS: Normandy Beach Landings
    BREAKING NEWS: France Liberated
    1945 and lower
    BREAKING NEWS: Poland has been liberated
    BREAKING NEWS: Austria has been liberated
    BREAKING NEWS: Berlin has been reached

  4. Breaking News: We have been denounced… By every other nation.
    Well, at least the nations we haven't gotten around to assimilating yet.
    Resistance is still futile. Everyone will be assimilated.

    This is BNN… The BORG News Network.

  5. When you’re America and you made a deal with the Netherlands and then you get a breaking news: America is trading with the Netherlands! Like wow, I most certainly did not know that…

  6. The video could have ended on "Yoloism has spread to funky town", and I would be happy. Good on you for going the extra mile.Though I am utterly impressed at Kyle not laughing when he said the yoloism line

  7. The part where he just casually says that the Leader of Japan has fallen unconscious and been replaced by an artificial intelligence is GOLD. I mean, it makes perfect sense if you've played the game, but take it out of context and it literally sounds straight out of a sci-fi anime.

  8. BREAKING NEWS: New York has been captured! wait a second, it was only one unit!
    oh, barbarians, right…

  9. I would love to have Door Monster quotes as ringtones. I can imagine it now, someone is calling me and my phone rings saying,”Breaking News: Yoloism has spread to Funkytown.”

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